i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
