she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
