Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
