What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
