Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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