God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize