you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
