i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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