So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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