You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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