Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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