Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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