I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
