My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
smell my finger.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
