Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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