I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
