my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
