im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
