last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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