I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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