the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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