his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
