You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
