I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
