I hate all girls vehemently.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
