I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
