life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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