I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
