masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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