I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
