your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize