the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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