it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
