What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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