I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
