She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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