i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
