hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
