From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
is that a dick in a sweater?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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