Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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