It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize