apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
