I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
