Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
