I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
