so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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