What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
