I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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