My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
