I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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