Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My ass is underappreciated
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
