Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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