Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
