Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
