My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
