I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
